Here’s Part 5 in our Series, “Great Marriages Don’t Just Happen…”
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
Ooohhh baby, this is a big one!!! What’s the most important thing in marriage? This is it – COMMUNICATION. There’s so much written about this, but let me start by saying your relationship is built on trust, vulnerability, and transparency. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to talk about these issues because of how deep they run within each and every one of us. But, let’s face it, how can we communicate with the one we love the most if we can’t bare our souls.
Trust, vulnerability and transparency are the things that make the marital relationship the most sacred one of all. I am willing to be “naked” with my spouse fully – emotionally, spiritually, and yes, physically, but that’s next week’s blog. I don’t have to put up a front, try to be someone I’m not, hide behind a façade, I just simply come as I am with the good, the bad, and the ugly and my spouse loves me the same and vice versa. This is a beautiful picture of marital love, so why does communication break down so easily? Great question! Because we’re all human and even with the one we love, we don’t like to look bad, feel like a failure, or be the one to let the other down – then those devilish defense mechanisms kick in and we lose the willingness and desire to be fully naked, vulnerable, and transparent. We stop risking because the other has hurt us, let us down, or hasn’t lived up to their end of the agreement.
I want to SCREAM this: The BEST way to live is fully surrendered, filled with trust, willing to be vulnerable over and over again, and to be as transparent and open as I possibly can be. This will be your BIGGEST BATTLE when it comes to communication because our will to survive, defend, justify, rationalize, blame, etc are our biggest enemies, and it STARTS with SELF!!!!
So, if you want to communicate well, it starts with YOU. You are your biggest ally and also your biggest obstacle. Every day, we get to choose which one will win out. If your marriage is fractured, to get to what I’m talking about will be extremely difficult and you will need grace and forgiveness repeatedly. In marriage, it takes TWO and both of you have to lean in and be willing to risk, but in the end, it’s worth it. There’s nothing better than to have a marriage where you can be fully you and have trust, vulnerability and transparency in effect. To me, this is the “heart” of communication and without these, what I’m about to share, will be very difficult.
Practically speaking, I want to touch on the importance of checking in every day and building your friendship, engaging in more in-depth conversation weekly, learning skills to help you resolve your issues without damaging your spouse, and figuring out a game plan of each other’s roles and responsibilities. I could write a blog on each of these so this will be the cliff notes version just to whet your appetite and in the future I will write more in depth on each.
Check-in Daily
First, let me say that USUALLY women have a NEED for communication that is much more than men, so guys, we have to purpose ourselves to engage in these daily conversations. In most cases, women are more relational, conversational, chatty, details matter, and they want to know them all. So, this is where it gets tricky because guys don’t really care. The work day is over and it was simply, GOOD – the lovely one word answer. Guys tend to compartmentalize things and women tend to integrate things and this is the wonderful tension we have as spouses. So for this one, I coach guys to work hard at being willing to have a detailed conversation about their day and to then also ask about her day.
A)Guy’s Tip: as things happen throughout the day, write them down in your phone and then when you get home you’ll have two or three things you can talk about.
Enrichment Conversation (more in-depth talk)
If checking in daily is about building the friendship aspect of the relationship, then this one is about building the depth of the relationship. You want to take time weekly (or at least monthly) to talk about things that matter. Share your thoughts, ideas, goals, dreams, values, etc. Talk about the things in your relationship that matter like finances, your sex life, roles and responsibilities, time management, the kids, your job, hobbies, personal well-being, etc. When it comes to this kind of conversation, please find a place that is conducive to conversation (relaxing) and a time that will be distraction free. Some couples go on dates to do this, others go for a walk, and others do it at night after the kids go to bed. Whatever works for your marriage – the important thing is to make sure you make time to have these important conversations.
Skills To Resolve Issues
To me, this is one that almost everyone struggles with. We haven’t learned the skills to discuss issues of disagreement well. We tend to react, get defensive and often don’t come to a solution that both feel good about. Remember this the next time you have a problem – the person you’re about to talk with is your best friend and the one you love the most in life, then have a conversation that reflects these truths.
1. Be respectful
2. Gain perspective and understanding
3. Figure out various solutions together that you think will work for both
4. Make it about the problem and NOT THE PERSON!
a) Meaning, attack the problem, but go easy on the person. The bigger the problem, the more gently you go on the person. Obviously, there’s a ton more on this, but I hope this gives you some things to think about.
Roles and Responsibilities
You’d be astounded to how many couples struggle over this one…so, you’re not alone! From 5:30pm to 8:30pm causes more problems in marriages than you can possibly imagine – solve these THREE HOURS a day and you’re way ahead of the game. Why are these so difficult? Because this is when we’re at our worst (no energy, long day at work/caring for the kids, and there’s a lot to still get done and needs to get done – there’s not really a choice in the matter, you need to eat, clean up, and get ready for bed). So, see yourselves as a TEAM. Who is responsible for what and then do your role as well as you can. Here’s one of the problems, the other person doesn’t “like” how you’re doing your role and complains (ouch). Figure out who will cook the meals, who will clean up, who will play with the kids, who will help them with their homework, who will get them ready for bed, etc. Give grace to each other and live under the principle of “It’s Good Enough.” Don’t try for perfection and you “control freaks” – you know who you are, let your spouse do their role and stop critiquing it or stepping in to do it “right.”
Hope this helps…
