I think this area of leadership is one of the most overlooked and yet, it is one of the most destructive forces to any organization or team. Resolving conflict is not easy but it’s imperative that we learn the skills to do it better. Let’s face it, most people don’t like conflict so we AVOID it at all costs. I’ve seen it ruin marriages, I’ve heard horror stories of organizations and teams who have been riddled by their leader’s unwillingness to face issues head on. The problem is that they don’t just go away because people have decided to avoid them. They rear their ugly little heads all over the place. Not only do they not get resolved but they escalate and multiply. This is why it’s one of the most important aspects of a leader. People who are willing to address issues and have learned the skill on how to do it well tend to lead great teams, families, and businesses.
Unhealthy Life View
The good news is that this skill can be learned; the bad news is that many folks have an unhealthy life view that says, “It’s better to avoid problems than to deal with them.” So until this life view is addressed and radically altered, these leaders will be crippled sooner or later. Most of us have grown up in homes where there was NOT a model for resolving conflict well and we have adopted these unhealthy beliefs and practices. We inevitably bring them into our families and our places of business. It’s sad to me to watch couples/families struggle so long because one or both parents/spouses haven’t figured out ways to deal with their issues. They spend years and years just getting by instead of having extraordinary marriages. In order to break this cycle, this faulty belief system, we need to have the courage to try. Start small, but start. The next time you have an issue, make sure you do what you can to resolve it. If you’re successful in resolving the issue, then you will be motivated to do it again and again. You will see the positive implications and realize the blessings of being able to resolve issues that formerly, were seemingly impossible to even bring up. What freedom!!!
Skills Needed
Although the first step is having the courage to try, the next thing is to try a new set of skills. If we’re honest and we assess HOW we’ve dealt with conflict I our past, we will learn that sarcasm, withholding, attacking, avoiding, justifying, etc really haven’t created the results you really want. But we’re afraid to try something else because we don’t believe it will work – we’re simply stuck dealing with this the rest of our lives. Hogwash…today is a new day and if you’re willing to try, then you can actually get good at resolving conflict. What once looked like a giant that couldn’t be slain now becomes the possible.
Getting To Yes
What I’m about to share with you is not my own. I have gleaned from others and added my own nuances. These are awesome principles and things I try to implement in my own life regularly.
The first part is simply realizing “I” am the biggest barrier to healthy communication – it’s my tendency to react (it starts with me!). Thus, the BEST TOOL we have is the ability to NOT REACT!!!
Climb The Ladder: See & Breathe
a) get above the situation so you can gain perspective, understanding, clarity and peace of mind.
b) gather yourself so you don’t react negatively/emotionally – even if you need to physically leave the room for 20 minutes.
Focus On Person, Not The Problem
a) go soft on the person and hard on the problem
b) Respect and Listening are key ingredients (these values are Free and powerful so use them well) – don’t interrupt and get defensive
c) Put myself in their shoes
Power of Questions
a) Ask Questions To Understand Interests and Needs – figure out what their hopes and desires are that they’re trying to protect.
b) Find out WHY this is important to the other person
c) Figure out what’s best for BOTH;
d) Move from WINNING to Problem-Solving
Build a Bridge
a) brainstorm many creative solutions together that you think will make both people happy and meets each other’s interests/needs.
b) Make it easier for other person to come across the bridge
c) Come up with as many options as possible to find a solution that works for BOTH and meets each other’s interests/needs.
i) keep modifying these until you both can agree to the solution
Start practicing these principles and you will start to improve your relationships and leading others more effectively!
